I’m afraid of my job.
That sounds weird because it is weird. I view my job as a rapacious bloodthirsty monster that wants nothing more than to tear my flesh off, grind my bones, and swallow me whole.
Don’t get me wrong – I love my university, my department, and my students. In short, I love my job. But the demands are crushing. Faculty are expected to teach, engage in research, publish, speak at conferences, apply for grants, participate in community outreach, chair numerous committees, and …. wait for it ….. become national experts in our fields. Obviously, it’s a lot of work and the people who are really successful do little else. That terrifies me.
Call it a fear of commitment.
And yet, I don’t want to do anything else.
See, I know all of these things - about the monster and about me - even as I wade even deeper into the academic briar patch by getting my doctorate with the aim that I will teach until I retire. With a husband who wants to (and deserves to) retire in about 5 years, I can expect to grind it out another 12 years at minimum. So, you see, the calls are coming from inside the house!
As a result (because I don’t have a therapist) I spend far too much mental horsepower these days thinking of escape clauses. Here’s a few:
Quick Getaways
work over the weekend occasionally and take off on a Tuesday/Wednesday to a nearby camping spot. I like this plan because the weekends are a great time to work if you require a good deal of quiet as I do. Another upside: campgrounds, hiking trails etc … should be pretty much deserted in the middle of the week after Labor Day.
more distance teaching. We are doing that more and more anyway. In fact, there is a new phenomenon in higher education known as “green professors”. Maybe soon we will all be working in our bunny slippers in the shadow of Mt. Shasta.
Longer Trips
attend more conferences in scenic locations. Surely, I can disseminate my research findings where the buffalo roam?
save up the annual leave and take off for a month. Perhaps combine this option with the one above. (This is probably the option most steeped in magical thinking).
Am I fooling myself that I can tame the monster? Perhaps make it more of a gentle furry pet who needs me more than I need it?
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Office Space |
I honestly don't know. But I'm determined to try.